who needs the onion when you've got the news herald?

Today I would like to introduce you to the writings of my darling little sis. While she specializes in short works of fiction and history research papers, I most enjoy her analyses of articles from the Local Paper. She is probably the only other person in the world who shares--nay, surpasses--my degree of love for this fine news source. Last night I received three delightful emails from her:

*Just wanted to make sure you're aware that on the front page of today's News Herald there's a picture of a child named Cinnamon Harwood. [Ed: For some reason, Cinnamon, and it's improper spelling bastardizations, is quite popular in Wisconsin's Best Small City. Though sadly not nearly as common as MacKhaeylah, Madicyn, and the like...]

*This is absolutely unbelievable. I'm still shaking. I think it's finally happened! The single worst ( = best) News Herald column in history!!! It has everything: complete inanity, horrendous syntax, lots of details that no one in their right mind would ever, ever, EVER care to hear, and a stupid, irrelevant, self-praising moral.

Please tell me you saw this: 'No horsing around tolerated at the Boy Scout camp'

*Aaaahhhh!!!! It's just too much!! Sorry I'm sure you saw most if not all of these already, but I just can't resist. The News Herald is *brilliant* today...

"Criminal damage to property:
A 39-year-old Marshfield woman reported her 42-year-old ex-boyfriend cut holes in her hooded sweatshirt, two bras, four pairs of underwear and a half T-shirt without her consent between March 6 and March 24 in the 300 block of East Fourth Street. Total damage was estimated at $100."

What a bastard. I mean I don't mind people cutting holes in my underwear if they *ask* first, but to do it without her consent is just crossing the line... [Ed: Also, I must point out that it was not just a T-shirt, but a HALF T-shirt. I imagine this is some kind of hideous neon colored cutoff type thing, no doubt worn with acid-washed, tight-rolled jeans.]

And:

"A son, Ryan John Geiger, was born April 13, 2004, at Saint Joseph's Hospital to Katie Bader and Trampus J. Geiger of Colby. He joins sibling Shawn Tinsley, 3 1/2. Grandparents are Sheila A. Bader, Unity and Bob and Jane Geiger, Abbotsford."

Trampus?