Tuesday, October 28, 2008

party at my house?

My job has a lot of food-related perks. We can eat anything we sell when we're there as long as we take it out of inventory and select the "Merchandise Destroyed" option in the computer (which I always do while saying "merchandise . . . destrooooyed" in a deep, sinister voice), we order in lunch every day, and we can buy everything at wholesale cost--about 40% off. Somehow I still get excited when there's expired stuff and we can take it home for free. My latest haul:

*Pimenton de la Vera--Picante, aka spicy paprika
*Caper berries in extra virgin olive oil
*Hard-boiled eggs pickled in vinegar brine from Wisconsin
*The same company's pickled Hot Polish Sausage (first ingredient--beef heart meat)
*Mojo Verde, aka some kind of green pepper/oil/garlic spread
*Smoked trout fillets
*English chocolate-covered biscuits with candied ginger

I think the above could somehow be marketed as the next miracle hangover cure. Truly amazing these things didn't sell.


Celebrity TV MD's aren't the only doctors seeking a little help on Craigslist. I just came across this ad for an assistant to Dr. James D. Watson. As in Watson and fucking Crick.

Special Assistant to Dr. James D. Watson (Long Island)
Reply to: job-895674961@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-10-27, 3:58PM EDT

Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory is seeking a creative special assistant to Chancellor Emeritus and Nobel Laureate Dr. James D. Watson, co-discoverer of the DNA double helix. The position requires strong writing and interpersonal skills. This writing is targeted to general interest audiences as well as the scientific community. Prior experience in writing about science subjects is essential. A background in Biology or Life Sciences is a plus. The candidate will be primarily involved in editing, proofreading and assisting with writing, and research projects.

Responsibilities and duties:
• Serves as editor and researcher for JDW’s writings and books
• Creates presentations on different scientific topics for a broad public audience and for the scientific community.
• Handles photo permissions for upcoming book projects

. . .

Cool! But back to the TV doctors. It's kind of fun guessing which of your Dr. 90210 favorites (it's sure as hell not my beloved Dr. Drew) is lookin' for love. I hope it's not "Designer Laser Vaginoplasty" Guy. Also, someone please buy me this t-shirt.

And speaking of science, I'm coming to realize that antidepressants, while effective in their stated purpose, make me stupid and clumsy (like, more so than usual). Yesterday I put cornichon labels on a whole batch of olives and drew blood on two separate occasions--slicing ham and operating the treacherous roll of food-service-strength plastic wrap--and today I spilled beer on myself before 10:30 a.m. (I love my job). But I haven't thought about fleeing to Portland (except to celebrate the birth of Our Lord with my family), or, you know, dying, in four whole weeks!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

european? i'm a'peein'!

The best thing I read on the internet today by far:

The European advantage was most evident when the Molicare got wet. Orders of magnitude more absorbent than Depends, Attends, or Kroger, the Super Plus never leaked, not even after two rewettings. My legs were never clammy while wearing it wet; indeed, I felt as comfortable as one can probably feel after having urinated in one's pants. When my bladder finally starts down the road to unreliability, I'm going European.

Given the frequency with which I currently pee, I think, someday, I'll owe Justin Peters a great deal of thanks.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

and the pretentious customer of the day award goes to...

it's a tie!

Dude: What's that?
Coworker: It's called Mettowee. It's a fresh goat cheese from Vermont that we've been aging here in our cheese-aging room.
Dude: [tastes cheese] You should take it out sooner. It's a little too salt forward.

Lady: Vermont Smoke & Cure...what is your slab bacon cured with?
Me: Coworker, what is our slab bacon cured with?
Coworker: It's a salt and sugar cure.
Lady: And what kind of smoke?
Me: Coworker, what kind of smoke?
Coworker: It's corn cob.
Lady: I'll pass. I like corn cob, but I can do that at home.

Thursday, October 02, 2008


So glad I brought my flute back last time I went to my parents' house. My Halloween costume is decided.

Until yesterday I hadn't touched the thing in nine years, but I think my skill level is at least equal to this performance. Anyone have a large white doily I can borrow?

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

crap job posting from a dude

Craigslist ain't so great for jobs, but it's awesome for tricking yourself into thinking you're making an effort. Also there's the entertainment value:
Amanuensis/personal assistant (Upper East Side)

Reply to: proust1871@gmail.com
Date: 2008-09-29, 9:10PM EDT

Full-time amanuensis and personal assistant to a professor and writer of fiction and nonfiction. Requirements: excellent background in English literature, strong knowledge of grammar, sharp eye for accuracy, internet competence, and congenial personality. Send c.v. with complete educational details to proust1871@gmail.com

This is an ideal job for a recent top graduate in English with interests in writing and editorial work. (For your information, Henry James, Joseph Conrad, John Milton, and other immortal writers all employed an amanuensis.)

Geez, dude, don't sell yourself short!

P.S. I suppose the fact that I had to look up "amanuensis" on dictionary.com would probably disqualify me from this position. Dang.