Wednesday, March 31, 2004

more craigslist goodness

Obviously I'm very very bored today, as this is like my sixteenth post. But I just love it when people use sayings they've heard a lot without thinking about what they mean and get them wrong. Like this fine gentleman:

L, I changed my Cell #....... - m4w

I know it's been over two years, but I'm sure you realize you would like to talk again. However, I changed my cell so e-mail me and we can rap once again !
I think I finally soaked my last wild oat !

lovin' the lord and shootin' some stick

I may be going to hell, but I'm sorry, this just makes me laugh. Oh how I adore Craigslist. Can I get a Hallelujah?

the young, the hip, the devout - 27

Reply to:
Date: 2004-03-31, 3:20PM EST

Anyone who thinks that christianity isn't hip should visit their local tattoo parlor...notice any icons?, and these are the old school tats, Religion has always been hip, people. We can love the lord, shoot some stick, drink some whiskey, go to art shows, blah, blah, blah. Besides try having a conversation with some one who knows religion, it's doubtful you'll ever be more engaged. (years of debating things beyond our knowledge will do that to a person)

Can I get a Hallejuah!

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
this is in or around this city

fuck cancer

Via Productshop: "Jackie Farry has worked with and been friends with every great band from Nirvana to The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. While she was The Datsuns tour manager, she was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, a rare form of cancer, and has been to sick to work and is facing nasty financial problems. But as she says, "Fuck Cancer!" So here's the deal. There are two ways to help Jackie out. The first is to go to her Fuck Cancer Benifit Concert on May 11th at the Bowery Ballroom that will feature Cat Power, Har Har Superstar, Miss Pussycat, and a bunch of other bands. The second, and what I recommend you should do, is enter the Fuck Cancer Raffle. This is one of the coolest fucking raffles I've ever seen. For just $12 you can have a chance at winning Nick Zinner of The Yeah Yeah Yeah's guitar / Le Tigre Tote bag / Iggy Pop signed poster / tickets to Coachella / Guitar Lessons from Stephan Malkmus / Drum lessons from Russel Simins (JSBX) / Free Day of Recording for your band with Nicolas Vernhes (Fiery Furnaces, Fischerspooner, etc) / and tons of other amazing prises. Enter the contest, get karma, win cool shit, and fuck cancer............"

we're so vain

As someone who's worked with just about every kind of dog and every kind of owner, I had already unscientifically determined that people tend to get dogs that resemble themselves in both looks and personality. One of my best friends in high school was from a family of very very thin people, and, of course, they had a whippet. And then there are the portly folks with the bulldogs and the yappy little Upper East Side girls with their yappy little dogs-in-a-bag. I love most dogs, but I really want one of these. Sadly, I fear getting one would require an apartment that is greater than 144 square feet and at least one of the following: free time, excess income, husband. Yeah, not gonna happen any time soon.


Ooooh my god, remember the game of MASH, that you played in the back of 7th grade math class until you got yelled at so you flipped off the teacher and got taken to the principal's office but you lagged behind and ran away to the playground instead and then you almost got expelled but because Christians are forgiving you just had to miss the class trip to the waterpark and spend the day with the militant lesbian gym teacher? I sure don't, but I hear it was a popular game. [via ultragrrrl via megadork]

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

city mouse vs. country mouse

I think it's a safe bet that if you're reading this you're on Friendster, and that you've had this conversation more than once [via Morning News]. On the one hand, I think it would be kind of refreshing to stop relying on the internet to facilitate socialization and communication. On the other hand, I'd probably be too lazy/chicken to actually call people and would have no friends.

mmmmm johnny

According to this article, casting is underway in Britain for 300 people to be naked extras in the new Johnny Depp "period piece packed with sexual material." Wonder if Johnny will be naked as well. Either way, I think it's time to move to the Isle of Man, girls.

Monday, March 29, 2004

this explains a lot

I always thought it was the blonde-haired, brown-eyed, round-faced, deep-voiced thing that was responsible for the 593 Julia Stiles comparisons I've gotten since she descended upon teen celebrity land a couple years ago. But I think our shared ability to look sad/pissed off/aloof when not any of those things (okay, maybe aloof...) is what makes us true doppelgangers. Hooray for no facial expression induced wrinkles!

From midwestgrrl: Would Someone Give Julia Stiles A Job
A job that isn't acting, which she can't do anyway. Last time I checked, facial expressions were required in most acting jobs, even shitty ones, and her deadface isn't cutting it. I suppose now that movies like The Prince and Me are beginning to make it through her selection process, the inevitable downward spiral has begun in earnest. Look at it this way, Julia: You'll never need Botox!

roar lions roar

From Page Six: March 26, 2004 -- ANOTHER night, another carnal conquest for Mick Jagger (above). The 60-year-old Rolling Stone took a 20-year-old Columbia University co-ed named Meredith back to his suite at the Mandarin Oriental after partying with her at Lotus and Bungalow 8 the other night. Jagger met the brunette beauty at Lotus, but left with some pals and ended up at the more exclusive Bungalow 8, where he text-messaged her to join him. When Meredith and another giddy Columbia co-ed arrived, they couldn't get past its notoriously tough velvet ropes, so Jagger sent a friend to usher them inside. And the rest is history.

Haven't decided yet if I'm grossed out or jealous. And do people really still go to Lotus and Bungalow 8?

Friday, March 26, 2004

a new way of talking to yourself

Best website I've found today, courtesy of the always excellent Newyorkish: "A site that allows you to send e-mail to yourself--to be delivered up to 25 years in the future. What better way to remind yourself in a few years that you've failed to give up drinking, smoking, fatty foods, and promiscuous sex?"

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

i'm not about to join the ISO or anything, but...

After sorting through my new boss's commission reports, I'm a little unsettled by the fact that the amount of money he makes in a month while sitting on his 300+ pound ass reading online fly fishing catalogs (nothing against him, he's a nice guy) is more than my dad, who works his skinny effin' ass off, makes in an entire year.


Blogger Quote of the Day (or Week, as it seems):
Drone (on Robo): Ladies and gentlemen, this is a man who generally has the perception of Helen Keller at infancy.

I just returned from the bathroom and discovered that this time the button on my pants was undone while the fly was zipped. Clearly, I never should have graduated from the elastic waistband.

Also, I sent in a little story to Zulkey and she actually put it on her website!

how disordered are you?

Everything in moderation...


-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

her face will be a household name

Yoanna House? No, I already have an apartment, thanks. Har har har. Really though, I can't make too much fun of a show that has brought me such intense, dare I say orgasmic, joy over the past several months. Perfectly situated on Tuesday evenings, America's Next Top Model gave me a will to live on the otherwise depressing Mondays and Tuesdays at work, and after Tuesday it's Wednesday and the weekend is in sight. My life will now have a deep and painful void. I fear this void can only be filled by the new season of Six Feet Under, which, sadly, doesn't start until June. Sigh. Aside from the brilliance of ANTM itself, I will also miss the written summaries of each episode on Just check out this drama!

Yoanna proceeds to find clippers and runs off to the bathroom to trim her hair herself. She ends up taking a huge chunk out of the back of her hairline and quickly learns why she should have other people cut her hair. Jay thinks that it might be just the competition, but is afraid "she might be breaking down inside."

Mercedes, still watching from the wings, is feeling that everyone loves Yoanna, but wants to tell her, "Bitch, you ain't going nowhere!"

Really, folks, it doesn't get any better than this. 'Till next season, America's Next Top Model. I'll miss you.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

observations at work today

-Two of my three bosses are currently and independently perusing online fly-fishing catalogs.

-I cannot seem to remember to zip my pants when I leave the bathroom. I think it's because I always do the button first. This would not be such a huge deal if I didn't have to walk past approximately 150 men every time I get up from my desk. Will have to get "zip pants" tattooed to the back of my hand or something.

hmmm, perhaps i should read this

In my not so humble opinion, you, of course, belong
in the Picture of Dorian Gray, and do not try
to deny it. You belong in the fashionable
circles of Victorian London where exotic
tastes, a double life, decadence, wit and a
hypocritical belief in moral betterment make
you a home. You belong where the witty
apothegms of Lords, the silly moralities of
matrons, the blinding high of opium, and the
beauty of visual arts mingle to form one
convoluted world.

Which Classic Novel do You Belong In?
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday, March 22, 2004

what i'm doing at work today

This game isn't quite as exciting as that helicopter game I used to play against my boss for hours at a time, but it's probably even more frustrating. The folks at Blacktable claim to have gotten a score of 35.042 seconds, but I think they're lying. Until I beat them, of course.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

give grandma lovin'

I woke up this fine, arctic-y morning cold, tired, and insanely jealous of my dear friends in Mexico, Panama, and ghetto Central Florida. I was all set to spend the day looking sullen and feeling sorry for myself. Then I read this week's installment of Savage Love. Nothing like a good granny jerking off a parakeet story to give a person a new lease on life.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

i am so 2003

Today I was diagnosed with rosacea. No one has ever told me this before, and the doctor who did spent all of three minutes with me. I got home and perused the Times, and, lo and behold, there's an article about the overdiagnosis of rosacea in fair-skinned women of Celtic ancestry. God, I feel like such a trend-whore! I should just move to the Lower Lower East Side now and make my over-ness official.

i want to cut up my face and be on tv

So last night, while Perplexa was listening to the Magnetic Fields and reading about the cultural history of late 19th century Paris, yours truly was watching the new MTV show I Want a Famous Face. Yeeeeeeikes. It was basically a half hour of schadenfreude, sans the freude.

The first episode featured a pair of acne-scarred twins aspiring to be the next Brad Pitts and followed them to an acting audition that made the Olsen twins look Oscar-worthy, the most awkward date in the history of mankind, and the nauseating facial reconstruction surgeries and painful recoveries. In the end, they look nothing like Brad Pitt, as emphasized by an almost mocking side-by-side comparison, and misinterpret the attention and stares of others: "Every time my twin brother and I walk down the mall or at our shopping center, girls seem to do the double look and begin to chat with their friends." Hmmm, wonder if the fact that they're tall male twins with Joan Rivers faces (and hair, for that matter) has anything to do with that...

These kids would probably have more acting success marketing themselves as fugly, a la the Sherminator. Now they're not just unhot, they're unhot and scary. This, perhaps, is MTV's whole point?

Monday, March 15, 2004

so sleepy

I slept like crap last night, as is typical for Sunday. Probably has something to do with trying to go from a normal work week schedule to staying up all night and sleeping all day on weekends... I used to freak out when I couldn't sleep but have come to almost appreciate it. The resultant zombie-like state makes 9.5 hours of staring at a computer screen go by so much more quickly, and dreams are always more vivid when I'm only half-asleep. Last night, for example, I awoke genuinely believing for a minute or two that I had been in a cycling class with Joan and Melissa Rivers. I think it's from watching too much E! and planning to go to the gym today, but let's see what a surely credible and scientific online dream dictionary has to say about this:

To see plastic objects in your dream, suggests that you are being fake and artificial. You are not being genuine and true to yourself.

Let's just ignore the glaring grammatical error in that first sentence. 'Tis true, Online Dream Dictionary. You've figured me out. But I'm only corporate whoring so that I can live in my beloved city whilst figuring out what to do with my life. Forgive me.

To dream that you are riding a bicycle, signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings. If you have difficulties riding the bicycle, then it suggests that you are experiencing anxieties about making it on your own. To see a bicycle in your dream, indicates that you need to devote time to leisurely pursuits and recreation.

Okay, somebody at the ODD has some issues with infinitives and comma usage. Nevertheless, I will try to devote more time to leisurely pursuits since drinking six out of seven days last week (jeebus, did I really do that?) apparently was not enough.

Friday, March 12, 2004

baby's named a bad, bad thing

For one reason or another, I've always had a minor obsession with names. Part of it probably comes from my fascination with psychology in general and, therefore, the implications one's name can have on personality development. (But is it the name itself that affects a person, or the kind of parents who selected it? Hmm...) Mostly, however, I think it's just because names can be so darn humorous. As a kid, I would check the public records in the paper every day and make fun of the poor, innocent babies with cracked out parents. Perhaps I was just bitter that my own name lends itself to teasing through the use of a simple mispronunciation, which, by the way, always resurfaces when I acquire a new group of friends. The college ones were perhaps even more delighted and self-congratulatory than the second-graders who made the initial discovery. Anyway, when perusing my hometown paper the other day, I came upon a shocking realization. There has, apparently, been a recent mass migration of Irish and Welsh refugees to the predominantly Polish and German Central Wisconsin! In the past three days, 15 bundles of joy arrived at the local hospital. Ten of them have quasi-Gaelic sounding names ending in -en, -an, or -on. Some of my personal favorites:

MaCayden (I think they mean "Mc," not that it would be any better) Zembruski
Ashton (do we really need another?) Rindfleisch
THREE Aiden's (curse you, Sex and the City), one of which is part of a set of triplets called...
Aiden, Logan, and Mason (say that five times fast)
The requisite couple of Madisons, and, the winner, which needs no commentary
Hilton Jaden, a girl

There is an excellent website devoted to the topic of baby names gone awry. It's so long and excellent, in fact, that I blame it for the .6 point drop in my GPA junior year. An excerpt: "We aren't having kids for another year or two, but we like Kellyna Nychole, Taryn Mykah and Mykenzie Kathryn for girls. This woman was indicted under the Flagrant Over-Use of the Letters K and Y Act of 1983."

Speaking of babies and such things, here is my official QUOTE OF THE DAY, courtesy of two girls i know way too much about considering I've never met them.
Lindsayism: Describe a personal theory you have about guys and girls or relationships.
Ultragrrrl: Men are pussies. Women are retarded. We're better off alone until it's time to get married and have babies.

Amen, sister.

better than 867-5309

Here is a rather exciting story of a girl who purchased a new cell phone and wound up with a very famous person's phone number. Sure beats having my work number published as that of the Alzheimer's Association....

Thursday, March 11, 2004

heeeeey, so glad you could make it

Oh my...Courtney Love, who I inadvertently was last Halloween (oh to have had a digital camera back then,) is playing at Bowery Ballroom next Thursday. Her new album is supposed to be "depressingly repulsive," but I'm sure the inevitable trainwreck would be amusing. I wonder if she will top Cat Power's escapade at the Knitting Factory in which Chan Marshall ended up in the middle of the audience, in the fetal position, on my feet, still singing, before running out the back door. I would totally go see Courtney just for kicks if it weren't $25. It would probably be more worth the money to just be like her by getting wasted on vodka and gatorade and taking some of my leftover vicodin.

me and morrissey down by the schoolyard

Looks like Moz and I have more in common than just celibacy: Morrissey Gets a Job

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

once upon a time...

Hello, everyone. After spending countless hours over the past year working (i.e., reading blogs and related stimulating web pages,) the time has come to spread the Good Word to those not fortunate enough to have such copious one-on-one computer time. And so, I bring you my first post. I have no idea where it came from (before my sister got her hands on it) so I'll just post it in its glorious entirety. The two of us grew up in a rather conservative Christian town and still torture ourselves by reading the logic-challenged pro-Jesus rants in the local paper, so this hit a particular nerve:

On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger recently stated that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is for her, an abomination and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. She called upon the Holy Scriptures, specifically, Leviticus 18:22 to support her position.


For the Love of Leviticus

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D.
Professor Emeritus
Dept. of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education, University
of Virginia