Wednesday, June 27, 2007

report from the workforce front lines

Fortunately for her, my little sister no longer dons the red and khaki as a Target employee. And, fortunately for me, her new job at a DeVry University is equally amusing:
Today at work I'm supposed to call something like 150 people. I'm supposed to say this: "Hi [insert name here], this is Carrie calling from DeVry University. I wanted to let you know that the deadline to register for the summer session is next Friday, July 6. If you have any questions feel free to call us here at the center. Thanks and have a good day."

But the flourescent lights and the flickering monitor and all the ringing make my head feel muddled. I'm pretty sure my last few messages have been something like: "Hi Carrie, this is next Friday, July 6 calling from [insert name here]. K thx bye."

Oh my.
It reminds me of my very first job as a sales representative for a cheese and gift catalog. Our computers were programmed with a script that you'd read to guide a customer through the cheese and gift purchasing process. The intro was something like "hi, thank you for calling Figi's, this is _____" and was supposed to have our names programed into it. But for some reason mine was messed up and always said Vicky. By the end of an eight-hour shift of non-stop calls during the busy holiday season, I'd just give up and be Vicky.

Anyway, my sis is about to start her graduate studies in creative writing, so she won't have to worry about jobs like that anymore. Oh, wait...

Friday, June 22, 2007

wishing maggot

Craigslist never ceases to make me happy.

Wishing Maggot - $5
Reply to:
Date: 2007-06-22, 1:52PM EDT

The $5 includes shipping.

I live in albany, ny and art doesn't sell so well here. However if you are in the albany area you can feel free to pick it up in person.

I take paypal or if you wish you can send a money order to me.

I am not the greatest artist but I myself am a work in progress and I want to follow my dream of making art.

If you would like a conversation piece the wishing maggot is for you.

It is so cheap because I am not a well known artist and I would like people to get to know my art.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Is the artist is a 5-year-old, a high-functioning adult with Down Syndrome, or someone with a very creative and very very weird sense of humor? I guess we'll never know. And therein lies the beauty...

Tuesday, June 19, 2007


And, without further ado, I bring you the best email forward I have ever received. Behold, the Shock Absorber "Bounce-ometer" and sports bra finder. I was impressed with its realisticness when I selected my own size and activity level (small and low, respectively), but was rather dismayed by the result of the FF/G size and high activity level combo. In fact, I may not be able to sleep for weeks.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

who's going to be a millionaire?

I am!

Subject: RE: Millionaire Auditions - Monday, July 2nd: 12pm-2pm

From: Millionaire Contestant -

Your Millionaire audition has been confirmed and we look forward to seeing you on:

Monday July 2nd AT 2PM

The ABC Building
57 West 66th Street
New York City

There will be Millionaire staff members waiting outside the building to assist you. PLEASE ARRIVE 15 MINUTES PRIOR to your given audition time, and check in with the Millionaire staff at the location.

Allow up to 60 minutes for your audition. You will take a timed written test. IF you receive a passing score on the test you will have a brief personal interview with a member of the Millionaire staff.

You must bring a picture ID and proof of age and residency to the audition. Please complete the attached eligibility/application forms and bring them with you to the audition. For the complete official rules go to

Please note that Millionaire reserves the right to limit the number of times a person may audition for the program.

**Please note: All auditioners will go through a security check upon entering the audition site, including a metal detector. Please refrain from bringing sharp objects and/or weapons of any kind to the test site.

Looks like all those crazy Meredith Vieira stalkers are shit outta luck.

Monday, June 11, 2007

don't you just hate it when that happens?

Did I say in the first two weeks I'd be tasting 150 cheeses? I meant in the first two days. Some more than once. Let's just say I will not be consuming another dairy product for a little while, lest I render myself unable to go out in public (let your imagination run wild as to what might be the reason for this).

But the job is amazing. So far the biggest problem I've had was when I showed up for my first shift and couldn't remember the names of the two guys I was working with, both of whom I'd met and trained with for a couple hours the day before. I knew they were in the one-syllable, common-white-dude-name category, but could not even begin to recall them. Mike? Dan? Dave? The mystery was solved a few hours into the shift when the wine came out. One of them put masking-tape-and-magic-marker labels on the bases of our glasses, because we're a sanitary operation (except for the eating lunch in the meat slicing area part). There was only so much more shoulder tapping and "hey" and "excuse me I have a question"-ing I could do before they'd be on to me, so I snuck a peak at their glasses. Success!

Then yesterday, my second shift, my two other coworkers (there are just five of us lucky bastards) said I was "a rockstar". Then I told my mom all about my job and how excited I am about it and she said "huh . . . okay, so are you going to get health insurance?" and kinda laughed and proceeded to tell me about the two daughters of her long-time friends that are getting married and/or pursuing graduate degrees.

Friday, June 08, 2007

oh, hello there!

I guess I'm back! I will not go too into detail about my little hiatus, but suffice it to say that a temporary internet outage (Verizon, you suck) plus at least two seasons' worth of Degrassi-level drama equals I forget I have a blog. But things are rollin' right along now.

As I alluded to in the last post, I've got a new gig. I 86-ed myself from the waitressing when it got to the point where the next customer who requested water with lemon was going to get a whole lemon tree shoved up his or her ass. It's not that we didn't have good customers, for the most part, it's just that I'd cut way down on the drinking the last few months, and it turned out that drinking heavily was indeed a requirement for on-the-job happiness. Aaah well, it was fun while it lasted. A little too much fun, at times... Anyway, I used my new food geek connections and, as of yesterday, I'm working part-time (for now) in a little shop in the fancy part of Brooklyn, where I will be mongering cheese and also "specialty foods" like wild boar cacciatorini and unhomogenized milk. Over the next couple weeks I have to taste about 150 different cheeses. Life is rough.

Things with the boy are good. When we're not out eating and drinking, in eating and drinking, or watching Home Improvement reruns, he does nice things like helping me paint the apartment floor, and I pay attention when he teaches me about tractor pulling, a sport I somehow missed out on despite my Midwestern upbringing.

In other random news, I've recently discovered that the New York Water Taxi is by far the most awesome way to get around the city. It's cheaper than a cab, less annoying than the subway, very fast (Queens in 17 minutes!), and, when the water's choppy, just scary enough to give you a little buzz afterward. It also goes from near my apartment directly to such useful locations as the bar/grilled meat purveyor Water Taxi Beach, the Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory, and Wall Street. (I'm kidding about one of those three. Can you guess which one?)

Saturday, June 02, 2007

still on the respirator

Is my blog dead? I don't know. But it's coming out of its coma for this mini-tragedy I just found on Craigslist while looking for ways to supplement my income as a part-time cheesemonger:

My frogs are eating my angels. I need a tank.

Reply to:
Date: 2007-06-02, 3:35PM EDT

If anyone out there is getting rid of a tank 10 gallon or more, please let me know. I'm broke as a joke from being given notice yesterday that my new apartment will be available on July 1st. We've got to plan a move and figure out how to pay for it when my ex thinks it's ok to pay child support when it's convinient for him and not when the kids' shelter needs to be paid for. I just really need a tank, preferably with a filter, for free or as little as possible so my frogs will stop eating my angel fish. They're disappearing one by one every week. The petstore told me they'd be ok together. Now there's only one left :-(