it's official

I am a lost cause.

One night back in Ithaca, once I was sure I was moving back to New York, I browsed the Nerve personals partially out of curiosity but mostly out of boredom because there's not much else to do when you're in Ithaca and still awake at 5 a.m. The first profile that popped up was a guy who seemed pretty much absolutely perfect for me. So I wrote to him, and we've since gone on two dates, and sure enough he is absolutely perfect for me. Very cute, in amazing shape (he runs marathons and surfs,) very smart (getting a PhD soon,) speaks five languages and has traveled all over the world, has shit in common with me like being from a hick town and loving cheese, likes to get drunk and stay out till 4 a.m., etc., etc. And, go figure, I feel nothing. I can't even allow myself to begin to flirt with him, even though I want to so fucking badly. Instead, I'm still hung up on the Canadian, with whom I'm suddenly back in touch with. We've texted back and forth and talked on the phone no less than six times in the last 24 hours. The Canadian doesn't even have a job, is a little overweight and a lot alcoholic, hasn't bothered to visit me in the past six months, and is hoping to move to England or France in the fall if he can get enough money from his disgruntled parents. What. The fuck. Is wrong. With me????!?!?!!

Perhaps tomorrow is the day to make an appointment with a therapist like I've been meaning to do for the last two or three years.