Monday, October 31, 2005

i like candy corn. sue me.

The worst thing about quitting smoking is not the cloudy head, dry mouth, or desire to consume four Zams Deluxe Tozt Sandwiches for lunch. It is those moments when you think Ooh! I know what will be awesome right now! A cigaaaaawoops I forgot. Shit. Godfuckingdammit. While this is probably the fourth or fifth time that I have nixed the cancersticks for more than a couple days, it is the first time that I've actually believed it might be for good. I am now 62 hours into this little endeavor. Supposedly, after 72 hours I am physically withrawn. Then it's just a lifetime of recalling how great cigarettes go with coffee, or on a walk home in the dark, or while waiting for a late friend, or with red wine in a cafe in Paris/sitting alone in front of your computer. So I just have to also recall how 94% of cigarettes do not fall into those categories, and also that one time I gagged on a swollen tonsil and coughed up a little blood.

Since I'm still within my 72 hour withdrawal phase, I will take this opportunity to bitch guilt-free about things that piss me off:

*Self-righteous, insecure Christians. Some people need to remove the gourds from their asses and just let kids wear fake blood, bring black and orange cupcakes to school, and run around the neighborhood in the dark collecting as many funsize chocolate bars as possible. Not everything is about Jesus! [via The Morning News]

*How right Maureen Dowd is.
What I didn't like at the start of the feminist movement was that young women were dressing alike, looking alike and thinking alike. They were supposed to be liberated, but it just seemed like stifling conformity.

What I don't like now is that the young women rejecting the feminist movement are dressing alike, looking alike and thinking alike. The plumage is more colorful, the shapes are more curvy, the look is more plastic, the message is diametrically opposite - before it was don't be a sex object; now it's be a sex object - but the conformity is just as stifling.

This article is really quite depressing. The guys who shun smart, interesting women to protect their precious manhood are sad. The girls who flash their boobs willynilly to get attention from the aforementioned guys are sad.

I guess what keeps me going is that there are still penty of rational people in the world. And also the image of someone taking Cosmo's Fourth "Most Famous Sex Tip" to heart:
Sex Trick 4: Place a glazed doughnut around your man's member, then gently nibble the pastry and lick the icing . . . as well as his manhood.

Aaah, nothing sexier than partially chewed donut mush. I would pay someone to try that and report back to me. I would also kill for a devil's food glazed with shaved coconut on top right about now.

2 comments:

Robo's Drone said...

Dude, I didn't know you were officially trying to quit. I think my next attempt will be number three. Not there yet, myself. As for the doughnut trick, find me a suitable test partner and I'll report back.

Gina said...

Yes, this is my public announcement. Figured I should make it official before I change my mind...