Thursday, September 23, 2004

patent pending

After spending some quality time in the real world (sadly, not in the Real World) I've learned that just about anything good that happens to anyone is almost purely a result of prestige and/or connections. Examples include my last job (um, Boss, what's a bond?), Drone's boss' ability to secure a restaurant reservation anytime, anywhere while fabulous FAB can't get a resy at Per Se at 11:00 pm on a Monday, and the fact that Lindsay Lohan has been allowed into a recording studio. Clearly, many new products to be purchased by you, the consumer, are also a result of such insider connections. How else do you explain the existence of UGG clothing (unlike the boots, unflattering AND impractical,) and Febreeze Scentstories, the air-freshener that lets you "play scents like you play music...a new scent every 30 minutes...a new experience on every disc!" While I'm a major devotee of the signature Febreeze product (laundry and dry cleaning be damned,) this has got to be the single stupidest invention I have ever heard of.


Fat Asian Baby said... I guess I could try playing the CIA card (culinary institute, not central intelligence) I just don't feel like that'd be appropriate. Wait, I have propriety?? Umm...I think more importantly, it'd just be downright embarrassing if it didn't work, and apparently I do still cling desperately to some ironic sense of "dignity."

Robo's Drone said...

Dude, a few tips about being hoity toity (I've picked up some helpful tips):

1. Embarassed? Screw that. Maitre D's and the the like deal with a budgillion people. They don't care. Plus, you're on the phone so you can always just hang up.

2. When calling and they pick up, don't ask. Tell. Inform. "Hi, I'm calling to make a reservation for the CIA's most formidable blahbiddy blah for tonight at blah." If and when they say they only have a table for 12AM, respond with something like, "Oh, I understand but I'm calling to see if you can make a table availble for the blah. I'd be happy to speak to the manager or PR director." That usually works.

3. Plus, it's an awesome trick to be your own Assistant. That works all the time. I guarantee it. Hi, I'm calling on behalf of FAB. You can't lose that way.

Let me know if you try how it goes. Happy eating.