Wednesday, August 17, 2005

the subway, she is a porno

I don't know to what Interpol is referring with that lyric, exactly, but I can only hope it's the endless supply of masturbating, dick-flashing, and thigh-raping little men (always little men) putting on a show for the New York City subway riders. Except on the rare occasion when you enter the platform at the same time as your train, and not too many people are on it, and then you transfer and enter the platform at the same time as your next train, and not too many people are there either, and you're convinced that you have magical powers and are happy for the next 24 hours or until you have to ride the train again, riding the subway is pretty much a miserable experience. Fast? Yes, except late at night, during rush hour, or when it just stops in the tunnel for a while for no apparent reason. Cheap? I guess, at least when compared to the costs of gas or replacing stolen bicycles. Pleasant? Never. I've always been baffled by what people, myself included, will put up with to live here. Everyone has their own way of dealing with the subway madness to prevent them from causing serious injury to fellow riders. I, for one, am fond of a sort of mental detachment, a method I've become quite good at thanks to four years of rowing and four years of semi-regular bikini waxes. Deep breaths, eyes closed, acknowledgement that the pain will, eventually, come to an end. (Murderous fantasies help, too.) Other people are a little more creative than me, as evidenced by Drone's comment board on which he and P/O are engaged in a great Who Hates the Subway More debate. In the far corner, we have Drone:

I once pretended like I was crazy so that the crowds of people wouldn't sit near me. I noticed that crazies were the only people that didn't get pushed or f***ed with, so I went with it. And it worked like a charm. I shook my head like a tourette's victim and loudly uttered indiscernible phrases. Within minutes, the seats around me were vacant. Beat that!

[Drone - you'd better not ride the subway with me anytime soon because I will be demanding a repeat performance]

And in the opposite corner, P/O:

have you ever composed and sung a song about how much you hate the subway while standing on the platform waiting for the train? because i have, my friend. i have. i may have even done a little dance while singing it, but you'd have to consult security camera tapes to prove that allegation.


It's a tough call, boys. Both of these methods involve great creativity and a healthy lack of public shame. I think I would like to see Drone design a special subway proof outfit and P/O actually vomit on a neighboring passenger before making a final decision. You are both still in the running towards becoming America's Angriest Subway Rider.

4 comments:

Robo's Drone said...

It's officially a draw now.

So, G. IS your water back on yet? I'm NOT foregoing my opportunity to drink that bottle of tequila at your place tomorrow night. I'll pace back and forth in front of your apartment wearing a sandwich board to protest the situation if need be. Seriously.

Fat Asian Baby said...

i actually like the subway. i get to stare at people to my heart's content in air conditioned comfort. waiting on the platform, however, is another story.

Robo's Drone said...

Oh, FAB. I'm so happy that you like the subway. Argghhhhh. :)

P/O said...

i wish i could say i kicked his ass, but alas, he was a worthy opponent...