Wednesday, July 13, 2005


So five weeks since moving back to New York and going to bed at 5 a.m. because I had no reason to get up in the morning, I am off my ass and doing something. That something is one of the last things I've said I'd ever do. Among these things are i-banking, paralegaling, and prostitution. I've somehow managed to combine those--working at an apparently quite prestigious (hell if I know) hedge fund.

Basically, I am a glorified secretary, and my job includes maintaining my bosses' Outlook calendars, filing shit, and printing out and stapling massive volumes of research reports. While "administrative assistance" is pretty much exactly what I suck at (and have gotten fired for,) I think this will be ok. At JPMorganStanleyGoldmanStearnsBrothersLynchGroup and Co., Inc., I rarely had anything to do, and so when I did get something to do, I was in the mode of not doing anything and didn't do it. At my Entertainment Company job after that, I had stuff to do but was stuck in a remote cubicle far away from my bosses, and so when I got stuff to do (really boring stuff, I must add) I just didn't do it because blogging and eating were more fun. But at this job, I have lots of stuff to do and am in very close proximity to my superiors, so I have no choice but to do it in a timely fashion. And then there are the perks.

Oh my fucking god the perks. So this hedge fund (which for the uninformed is a company whose contribution to society is trading stocks in order to make money for those who work at the hedge fund and for the owners of the hedge fund, period) has about 100 employees who do the hedge fundy stuff and takes up two floors of a typical NYC office building. My first day, I noticed the amazing array of free snacks and beverages, including Oreos, Kit-Kats, dark chocolate covered almonds, Asian salty mix, dried fruit, Diet Dr. Pepper, Fuji Water, Vitamin Water, etc. My second day I became aware of the free gym available to all employees (a normal NYC gym membership will run you approximately $100 per month, plus a hefty initiation fee.) But today I learned about the motherlode. There is free breakfast and lunch. Every day. Breakfast consists of a variety of bagels with cream cheese, muffins, cereal, and espresso drinks. Lunch includes hot food such as today's offering of salmon, porkchops, and chicken wings and also the most impressive salad bar (three different kinds of grilled chicken, avocado, artichokes, two different slicing styles for tomatoes, ten dressings, etc., etc., etc.) And after you assemble your salad, there are two little Mexican dudes employed specifically to toss it for you and also to chop it up if you so request. You then take your food to your desk in a ceramic dish, eat it while checking your email, and push it off to the side. Then, about 15 minutes later, some black ladies come along and clear your dishes for you. Meanwhile Bob Geldof arranges these massive concerts to raise AWARENESS for the rampant poverty in Africa. Ok.

I would normally be miserable doing what I'm doing, but I've decided to apply to journalism school for next year, so right now I just need to make some money. According to my temp agent, I've gotten "rave reviews" so far, which is utterly hilarious and will last about two more weeks unless I get myself a Ritalin prescription, a lobotomy, or a heretofore unseen amount of self discipline. I thoroughly plan on one of those things happening, should I stay, which will depend on whether they'll offer me health insurance and a sizable salary. And also on my receipt of an industrial sized Swingline, as I already have major knots in my left shoulder from all the damn stapling.


Fat Asian Baby said...

I can toss your salad, baby.

Anonymous said...

Yeah free food! I am doing a summer workshop sponsored by the ritzy Howard Hughes foundation, I get free espresso, lunch, cookies, chinese food, and booze.... every day! If only it were like this during the school year.. then my only free grub is the twice-yearly PTO mom-prepared teacher appreciation lunch...


mizzzthanggg said...

congrats on the job! ;)

Karo said...

OMIGOD, if I was ever lucky enough to score a job like that, I would never leave. I'd be 83 and they'd be prying the free bottle of Fiji Water out of my cold, dead hand.