Monday, July 10, 2006

work, sex, or just plain drunkTM

Hey, kids! I just invented this superawesome new game! It's called Work, Sex, or Just Plain DrunkTM!

It's quite simple, really. The only supplies you need are a physically demanding job, a healthy amount of horniness, and at least a borderline level of alcohol dependency. I like to start playing Work, Sex, or Just Plain DrunkTM when I wake up in the morning (that's sometime between 12 noon and 2 pm) and continue throughout the day. So what you do is you wake up and go about your morning rituals (mine are drinking coffee, doing the crossword, and eating half a box of hemp granola, but that's neither here nor there.) As you do these things, take note of all the new bruises, scratches, or other abrasions located on your person. Then you try to figure out whether they happened at work, while having sex, or when you were just plain drunk (obviously you are generally drunk at work and while having sex, hence the "just plain" qualifier.)

I'll give you a few examples of just some of the many injury types you'll encounter as you start to play this game.

The Stumper

Evidence
The two-inch diameter multicolored oval-shaped bruise smack dab in the middle of my right thigh.

Analysis
My work bruises are usually around my knees from running into the outside planters or on my hips from hitting the standing bar. I'd just had sex with Bartender, and he's definitely starving and my thigh is quite muscular, but I don't think he'd try to eat it. Two nights before I'd been out drinking and a work regular said he saw me run into a parked car, but the friend who was with me could not confirm this tale. This is a toughie.

Conclusion
Four days later I had my epiphany. I noticed that the corners of the tables at work are just at mid-thigh height, and the corner would explain the oval shape of the bruise. One point!

The Imposter

Evidence
A set of five long parallel scrapes on the back of my left shoulder.

Analysis
The shape, number, and location of the scratches would certainly suggest sex, and I did indeed pay a visit to the Bartender's basement apartment the night before; however, he was half asleep and more subdued than usual. Before that I was skipping stones and drinking a 40 down by the river, but all I remembered was getting my hands really dirty and wishing I'd had my camera because the lights in Manhattan reflecting on the river sure were pretty.

Conclusion
Upon noticing a similar scratch on my calf when I showered for work several hours later, I recalled that it kind of hurt when I crawled through the hole in the fence that is supposed to keep drunken fools from playing around down by the river. The direction of the scratches corresponded to the side-step motion I'd used to get through the hole. Another point for me!

The Obvi

Evidence
Ellen: Um, Gina, you have a hickey on your neck.
Gina: Oh, shit.

Analysis
Sure enough, Roommate's Friend had gotten a little carried away the night before. The small size and long, narrow shape of the abrasion were atypical of a hickey. I'd put the breaks on the hickey development process early, so it would be just a litte one. (As an aside, my expensive Bobbi Brown concealer failed to cover the telltale spot, confirming that God hates me.)

Conclusion
Duh, it's a hickey, and for the teasing I had to endure at work for this one, two points!

And, last but not least, there is no cheating. Tonight it was this backwaiter's first day on the job, and when I was entering an order into the computer he shattered a big handful of wine glasses on the shelf below. I felt a slight sting on my legs but was too busy to notice or much care. When I got home and saw bloody streaks across my calves, I knew the source immediately. If only I'd not been sober at work tonight...

Now that you know the rules of Work, Sex, or Just Plain DrunkTM, good luck playing it against yourself! May the best man win!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

best.post.ever.

Fat Asian Baby said...

anybody recall the facial hickey?

Gina said...

ugh, barely. thank god.

LB said...

Wow. I've been playing this similar game, except that I can always rule sex out, because I'M NOT GETTING ANY. Lucky girl for having it amount to sex in addition to work and being drunk.