$12.75 an hour

This morning I was forced to surgically remove the sweatpants that had become fused to my skin due to constant wear and present myself at a not unfamiliar place of employment. For today and today only, I am once again the sole Customer Service Specialist to the Company That Provides Meager Discounts to Other Companies. This means, of course, that I've been provided with a whole new crop of eye-twitch-inducing emails to write fake replies to. Let's begin.

i am a rep for service master ahs branch and i am not getting apassword? I don't have an email that ends w/my company name and that is the only option you are giving me, help me change it to my correct email account!
-Moron

Dear Moron,

Have you ever taken an English class.

Regards,
Your Customer Service Team

Hi there, I am trying to order something through my company's "perks" program, specifically through Overstock.com. But when I go to the offer details and click on the "go shop" link, it comes up with a "page not found" message. Can you tell me why that is? Thanks!
-Moron

Dear Moron,

"No."

Regards,
Your Customer Service Team

This email is insulting. I have used corporate perks several times already. My "guest" is my lawfully wedded spouse who will use it when he is ready. I do not appreciate you pressuring me and him and threatening to take the benefit away. My partiticpation will be continuous, and he, as my spouse, will be continuous as well. I trust that this clarifies the situation.
-Moron

Dear Moron,

We are impressed with not only your rage over an automatically generated corporate promotional email, but with your ability to interpret said email as an affront to gay marriage and the integrity of your relationship. Have you considered writing novels?

Regards,
Your Customer Service Team

Hello, i just read about this think pad notebook, and not being acomputer wizard,this think pad notebook, is this what i see all overthe place called LAP TOP, and/or other is this like a Dell inspiron 6000 Notebook??? thanks much for the stuff you have sent me.
-Moron

Dear Moron,

A notebook and a lap top...same thing...portable computers...ok, you see...gosh, we're...regretfully, we're going to be unable to help you at this juncture.

Regards,
Your Customer Service Team

I still have not received my password for the corporate perks. What doI need to do?
-Moron, Marketing Coordinator

Dear Moron,

Blow us.

Regards,
Your Customer Service Team

I need assistants contacting WBS about my current order
-Moron

Dear Moron,

We need a new liver from that unexpected excursion last night, but we just can't have it all now can we?

Regards,
Your Customer Service Team

Is there a website where I can order a jacket with the Big Accounting Firm logo embrodiered for my son who is an employee of Big Accounting Firm?
-Moron

Dear Moron,

Your son does not want that jacket. Trust us on this one and get him some DVD's instead, or something.

Regards,
Your Customer Service Team


I have seldom been able to take advantage of the Company Perks website, but have found it to be extremely user friendly and full of opportunities that I will take advantage of in the future when I have the money to do so. However, I recently decided that I would utilize the Luggagecompany.com $50 off $250 offer and order a piece of luggage to be delivered before the thanksgiving holiday for use over that weekend, and going forward. Unfortunately, the "redeem offer" link does not work for the above mentioned deal, valid through December 31, 2005. Instead, the link takes me directly to the Luggagecompany site with an "enjoy free shipping" offer, which is the second perk on the website. Could you please correct the address of the appropriate website, so that I may have my perk in time for Thanksgiving. Thanks for your assistance in this matter.
-Moron

Dear Moron,

We've just slit our wrists and are weeping uncontrollably. As a result, we will be unable to assist you with this matter.

Regards,
Your Customer Service Team

I'm a little confused on where the "discounts" are. All of the "potential" discounts I have looked at require me to "upgrade" my account before I can get the discount. Is this "upgrade" the only way to get access to the "discounts" or am I missing something?
-Moron

Dear Moron,

We think you might just be onto something...

Regards,
Your Customer Service Team

Please cancel my premium membership. I am absolutely appalled by this operation, as it is simply a consolidation of coupon sites available for free simply by doing a google search.
-Genius

Dear Genius,

Ding ding ding ding ding! And we have a winner!

Regards,
Your Customer Service Team