Friday, August 24, 2012

home sweet home

This is probably the longest post I have ever posted. And I say posted because I did not actually write it. It consists, simply, of a local Baltimore weekly's reportage of local crime from the last two weeks, and my occasional attempts to mitigate fear and hopelessness with humor. 

Enjoy. And don't walk around late at night in Southeast Baltimore.

These images and headlines are from the online version of the paper. They are just a couple of the many reasons I love this column. Other reasons continue below.

Aug. 7, 3:35 p.m. Someone stole a package of medical instruments from the front steps.

Aug. 7, 9 a.m. A woman told police that an unknown suspect entered through her front door and exited through the rear.

Aug. 1, 10 a.m. Police report that road rage at the McDonald’s escalated into a fight, and the two drivers were arrested.


Aug. 9, 1:00 a.m. Police were told that armed suspects entered the dwelling and told everyone to get on the floor and give them their money and jewelry. They then put everyone in the rear room and fled. A purse, 60 oxycodone pills and 94 percocet pills were stolen. [94!]

Aug. 3, 5:00 p.m.  A man told police he got very intoxicated with ten of his friends and felt someone reach in and steal his wallet. He doesn’t know who it was. [1 in 10 chance of figuring it out!]

Aug. 4, 5 p.m.  A clerk reports that a customer was rummaging through a bin. When the clerk offered assistance, the customer fled with nine “Boh Knows Football” t-shirts and other merchandise.


Aug. 9, 2:30 p.m. Police report that a suspect broke in through a rear door and stole a collection of 15 Marilyn Monroe dolls and jewelry.

Aug. 5, 9:30 a.m. A man told police that someone broke into his car and stole his handicapped placard.

Aug. 2, 3:40 p.m. A woman reported that someone broke her right front window and stole her cane and her parking placard. [AND the cane?!!?]

[Incidentally, there are multiple other reports of stolen handicapped placards (which I always thought were called "dangly things"). Moral of the story, save your good parking spot privileges for when you're in The County?]

Aug. 6, 8:00 a.m. A man reported that someone stole his catalytic convertor [sic]. [I don't know what a catalytic converter is, but I do know how to spell it!]

Aug 6, 5:30 p.m. Police report that a man stole a Nestle strawberry drink and was arrested. [Gross]

Aug. 7, 1:20 a.m. A resident reported that someone entered a rear yard and stole four swivel-back chairs and a wine refrigerator. [Alright, now we're talkin'.]

Aug. 5, 8 p.m. A man reported that someone had kicked in the door to his shed and stolen a snowball machine. [What?]

July 30, 6 p.m.  It was reported that a man stole four bars of Dove soap.


Aug. 5, 12:50 a.m. Two men reported that a suspect has assaulted them with a machete. The two men were taken to the hospital with head wounds. [Machete!]

Aug. 9, 2:45 p.m. A woman reported that during a dispute, her boyfriend held a sword to her neck. They struggled until separated by family members. The police arrived and arrested the boyfriend. [Sword!]

July 10, 7:50 p.m. A woman reported that during an argument. another woman had produced a tire iron and hit her in the head. The first woman was taken to the hospital, and the second was arrested. [Produced a tire iron!]

Aug. 9, 11:16 p.m. A man reported that he was walking when one of three men approached him and said, “Amigo, give us your money.” The victim replied that he didn’t have any. The suspects then hit him with a two-by-four. The victim fled and received medical attention. [Were they just walking down the street with a two-by-four?]

Aug. 11, 1:15 a.m. A man reported that he arrived at a gas station to complain to a drug dealer, “Tony,” that the drugs he had been sold were bad. His business practices insulted, Tony went to his car and came back with a knife, cutting the victim in the face. He then fled in his car. The victim refused to respond to the police station or to seek medical attention.

Aug. 5, 11:14 a.m. A woman reported hearing a suspect in her house upstairs. She called him and he fled to the basement in an attempt to escape. Officers responded and found him behind a locked door, crouched in a defensive stance. He was taken into custody without incident. The suspect had gained entry by removing a second-floor AC unit.

Aug. 10, 2:58 a.m. A man reported that while walking, one of three men approached him and said, “I just want your money.” He then began to reach into his pocket, but the victim smacked his hand and yelled at him. Another suspect implied that he was armed, and the victim challenged him as well. The suspects fled. [This one occurred about a block from my house. So if someone asks for my money, I should just give him a slap on the wrist?]

Aug. 17, 1:42 p.m. A man told police he was inside the bar and got in an argument with another male. The other male left and later returned with a knife and said: “I sharpened this knife just for you.” The owner of the bar took the knife from the suspect, who then fled.

Aug. 13, 10:35 a.m. A man told police that a woman called his house and said he owed several thousand dollars in back taxes. He said he only had $1,000 in cash. The woman said someone would come to collect the money. A male came to his door, shoved him in the face, and took $1,000.


Aug. 18, 2:20 p.m. A man told police another male asked if he wanted to buy drugs. When he said no, the suspect stabbed him in the right thigh.

Aug. 15, 1:14 p.m.  A woman told police she was assaulted by a man because she refused to buy crack cocaine.


Aug. 14, 2:53 p.m. A man told police he was walking when a man shouted out: “Stop, money!” He ran away.

Aug. 12, 3:00 p.m. A woman told police that when she was incarcerated for a few days someone broke into her house and stole $500 from a sock in her closet.

Aug. 17, 11:30 p.m., A victim reported that he was walking down the street when a man asked him for a cigarette and then a light. When the victim reached in his pocket for the light, he looked up to see the suspect holding a gun. The suspect demanded he take off and shake out his pants. About $250 was taken.

Aug. 4, 2 a.m.  A man reports that when he woke up in Federal Hill Park, his black iPhone was missing. [Not that I'm victim blaming, but I kinda think that if you pass out in a park until 2am, you don't get to call police when your shit gets stolen. Okay, maybe I am victim blaming.]

July 22, 1 p.m. A man reported that his handyman and the handyman’s girlfriend moved in to his property illegally. 

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