Sunday, April 22, 2012

my guru

Oh, Carolyn Hax...I love you so much.

Advice to a lady who wrote in because her friends told her the reason she doesn't have a boyfriend is that she has sex too soon:
[. . .]

So I don’t think the issue here is your jumping into bed — it’s jumping into new men. I.e., it’s not the sex, it’s the hope for romance at breakfast afterward. If you’ve been with a guy for only a few dates or weeks, treating your involvement as a full-blown sexual and emotional commitment confers more status on your relationship than your knowledge of each other is ready to support.

Unfortunately, of the two, behavior is easier to change than expectations are; telling yourself “No sex until we’ve dated X months” and adhering to that isn’t easy, but it’s clear-cut. Telling your enthusiasm and daydreams to sit in a closet till your mutual affection, rapport and trust with a new boyfriend prove worthy of them? That involves the hard work of identifying, and admitting, why you so badly need the validation a "love life" provides.

Repairing the source of the need is the answer here. Then, more fulfilling things will follow, no matter how gaily you kick off your pants.

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