oregon vacation, leg one: things to do in the minneapolis airport when you're stranded there for seven hours (and trying not to spend too much money)

1. Read Jezebel! Or not.

Forbidden Keyword Sex!

Time Killed: 15 minutes

Cost: $5

2. Contemplate "The Many Moods of Loons."

Time Killed: 15 seconds

Cost: Free

3. Play with indelible eye makeup at The Body Shop, recall that time in The Basement when you were painting the vanity with silver paint and tried cleaning the brush with your hands and water and you looked like the Tin Man until you found some paint thinner.

Time Killed: 5 minutes

Cost: Eyelid cancer

4. Walk the entire length of the airport and back without using any moving walkways or escalators.

From A...

To G...

Time Killed: 2 hours, allowing for a Starbucks break and a couple phone calls

Cost: $2.79 (for an iced coffee--jesus f'ing christ)

5. Postpone your third and last flight and plan an impromptu trip to Portland!

Time Killed: The rest of it

Cost: Priceless! Or, $10 for more internet time, $129 for a deluxe double queen room, $60 to and from the airport, $85 for dinner, $10 for pre- and post-dinner drinks, $60 for a haircut. However you want to look at it. (I choose the former.)