the time portal of all life between my legs

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

If you are not familiar with the name Alexyss K. Tylor, please continue not doing whatever you should really be doing right now and devote the next nine minutes and fourteen seconds of your life to this video. I think I've finally found my religion.

796 baby!

Every year for Christmas, my mom asks me what I want for a present, and I always just send her my Amazon.com wishlist since anything I really want I've already impatiently purchased for myself. Two years ago, in a sudden fit of responsibility, I added Suze Orman's The Money Book for the Young Fabulous & Broke to my list. Naturally, this was among my gifts that year, and not The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band. Guess which book I ended up reading first. Anyway, I don't know if it was the ridiculously gorgeous weather yesterday, or the realization that I'm almost past my mid 20's, but I decided on a whim to bring ol' Suze with me to the park. Hey, at least if I couldn't get her sparkling finances, I could get on the road toward a nice tan leathery glow.

Lo and behold, Suze is kind of awesome. After eight years of throwing away unopened credit card statements and making my minimum payments with my eyes partially closed at ATMs, suddenly, I was more afraid of upsetting Suze than facing my financial reality. While I did discover that my checking account overdraft loan does, in fact, accrue interest and my balance has gone up about $1000 since I last made a payment on it (woops), I also got my very first credit report, singing that "freeeeee credit. report. dot. COM!" song in my head the whole time. Somehow, despite multiple collection agency incidents due to unpaid medical bills, countless late credit card payments, and an apparent stolen identity in July of 2003 when four mysterious accounts were opened in my name, my FICO score is excellent. In the top half of the top range, meaning I could get the best interest rate available for a mortgage or car or whatever. Which means that I am but a business plan and a loan application away from opening the sandwich shop/vintage clothing for large-sized people store/wine bar/puppydog rescue/personal party space of my dreams. Thanks, Suze.

in case you were wondering

When your cheesemonger seems cranky, here is why.

Me: Hi, can I help you find anything?
Customer: I'm looking for something good with white wine.
Me: Well, what kind of cheeses do you like?
Customer: Everything! I like all cheese.
Me: How about a goat cheese?
Customer: No, I don't like goat cheese.
Me: How about a blue cheese?
Customer: No, I don't like blue cheese.
Me: Would you like something soft or hard?
Customer: Soft.
Me: Strong or mild?
Customer: Strong.
Me: Here's a taste of a soft, smelly cow's milk cheese from Virginia.
Customer: [tastes cheese] No.
Me: What don't you like? Too strong? Too mild?
Customer: Too soft. I'm looking for something crumbly.
Me: Like this hard, mild pecorino?
Customer: Yes.

ugh

I wear heels maybe once a month and frequently leave the house in saggy old jeans with giant holes in the crotch, so I am in no position to criticize someone's affinity for comfortable, hideously ugly footwear. However, if you're going to do it, own it. These aren't fooling anyone.