Monday, November 21, 2005

ok, i lied

I can't have an exciting new job without blogging about it, at work, at least once. For the past four workdays, I have been a Customer Service Representative...nay, THE Customer Service Representative for a company that provides discounts to other companies. I can think of very few positions that could possibly make a person loathe other persons more than that of the Customer Service Representative. Even the simplest of queries fills me with rage. If only I possessed an even greater lack of self control and could respond however I choose...

Hi, I can't get into your website. I logged in with my email address - xxxx.xxxx@xxx.com - and my password which I know is correct. This is a pain.....!!
-Idiot, Principal Information Security Analyst


Dear Idiot,
We were unable to replicate your problem, because your login and password totally work--we just tried ourgoddamnselves. YOU are a pain.
-Your Customer Service Team

I just the Corporate Perks email. Looks like some really great deals. However, I didn't see and golf-related perks, i.e. discounts on tee time or equipment. Let's look into that, shall we? Thanks,
-Idiot, Purchasing Analyst


Dear Idiot,
Let's look into shoving a golf club up your ass, shall we?
-Your Customer Service Team

Grrr How about a toll free number to call to talk with someone live/in person while I am focused on this and needing the information vs a lttle box to type in?? I am looking for apple ipod nano and i get a list of other websites vs a list of ipods an prices, also when drilling down only get accessories for ipods not ipods siiiigh Then i try cell phones and only get 3 "providers" I want Metro PCS phones at a discount can't find any of that I try another search and apparently here is "info" can't click on anything to see what the "advantage" is unless i upgrade and pay for this.... Jimmmminny cricket - not impressed so far... help a girl out - help me understand the best way to navigate this site to get the info i need in one screen vs a filter for other shop sites Thanks
-Idiot


Dear Idiot,
Well jimmmminny our cricket, but we think your inability to locate Metro PCS phones at a discount is the least of your problems. May we suggest a few doses of lithium?
-Your Customer Service Team

Hi folks, I am an Big Company employee who also has a small farm on the side. In early January 2006, I expect to have about 600 broiler chickens ready for sale. These are naturally raised, no hormones, no antibiotics, mostly organic-fed, free-ranged, and grass-eating chickens, and we plan to sell them directly to consumers. I'd very much like to offer my chickens to Big Company employees. Is this something that we can pursue?
-Idiot


Dear Idiot,
We'd like to offer OUR naturally raised broiler chickens to Big Company employees too, but we can't all get what we want, now can we?
-Your Customer Service Team

Good morning, My user name is now _____@yahoo.com I was wondering if I could change it to _____@yahoo.com? Keep Smiling,
-Idiot
May the hand of a friend always be near you; May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.


Dear Idiot,
Your username has been changed. Please shove God's gladness up your ass.
-Your Customer Service Team

The title drop down box should include Miss, since (typically) a divorced woman uses Ms. and a married woman uses Mrs. Otherwise, don't require a title, which would be my preference.
-Idiot


Dear Idiot,
We think you might benefit from a good ol' roll in the hay. May we suggest Match.com?
-Your Customer Service Team

I am still unable to open to the Phone Company Apparel web page. When i click the redeen link, it opens a new window and errors out. I was emailed friday stating it would be fixed shirtly and it is still not. Any assistance would be greatly appreciated! Thanks,
-Idiot


Dear Idiot,
Do you really NEED to purchase Phone Company apparel? Hold on hold on hold on, take a moment to think about this. I know those 10% discounts are hard to resist, but is Phone Company apparel really all that aesthetically pleasing? Are you that proud of your employment at the country's third (or whatever) largest mobile telephone service provider? Will your friends' and relatives' eyes light up with glee when they receive an XXL Phone Company sweatshirt on Christmas morn? Didn't think so.
-Your Customer Service Team

I've just search Overstock.com and can't find the 240tc down comforter for $25.99 w/free shipping. H-E-L-P!!!!
-Idiot


Dear Idiot,
H-E-L-P!!!! yourself.
-Your Customer Service Team

cassiopeia it's o'leary the dicta on nose see clayton the hijack and ella may calypso or deject a dedicate it cruel on atomic try similar may caravan be sloane on algonquin it vitrify in transfinite the conductor some servitor try canny try decomposable it's religious not where may embrittle a indecision be eye be prolusion try palmetto in ophiuchus, baltimore on brainwash a in illogic on mildew the a dissension may thorny, some caroline! rural be some consistent, baltimore!
-Schizophrenic


Dear Schizophrenic,
Your email is the most pleasant we've received all day.
-Your Customer Service Team

Off to Baltimore! Happy Thanksgiving!

5 comments:

the management said...

Nice! Jimminy cricket, those sure are fun!

God I hate people.

Fat Asian Baby said...

in my absence, you seem to have developed some sort of ass fetish.

Anonymous said...

You would be wise to suggest Big Shirts to every single one of these individuals.
-ellen

Gina said...

Long-time lurker, first-time commenter. This post made me laugh so loud I inadvertently woke my two-year-old up from his nap, and now I have to put up with his crabby, got-up-way-too-early, in-a-bad-mood self.

Lol, it was worth it, though. Thanks for the laughs. :)

Gina said...

you're very welcome and thanks for reading! and, i must say, you have a very lovely name.